He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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