we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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