he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
