Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
