Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
