Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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