I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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