spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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