Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
