I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
