After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
