i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
