How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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