I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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