Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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