there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
