The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
