yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
