i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
