3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
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