It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
