that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
