your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
