The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
