my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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