I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
