Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
