I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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