Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
