I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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