im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
