Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
