were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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