A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
