Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
