I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
