Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
