TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
