i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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