I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
