There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
