so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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