I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
