I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
