They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
