Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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