Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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