Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
