i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
