I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
