Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
