im about as happy as oj after his trial
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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