My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
