He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
