You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
