I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
