She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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