Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
